For those of you who have been following my blog, I have previously said that we have made deliberate decisions to limit our surrogacy journey news to family. Both my parents have passed away and Andrew's Mum has been widowed for 6 years.
We discussed telling his Mum and have been worried about it and her negativity towards our news. It's unfortunate that we have to be concerned about this but past behaviour does predict the future.......she has been very non complimentary about India as a country when we told her we were travelling there and has questioned why we would go there. Today Andrew cautiously told her our real reasons for travelling there. She questioned Andrew about our plans, about what babies would be produced (and I think I heard the term a mung child slung in there). Needless to say I wasn't happy with her reaction and disgusted and disappointed with her is how I feel right now. She has so graciously told Andrew that "she needs to think about how she feels about it". Frankly I dont care how she feels about it. All she has to do is be a grandmother.
I am sugar coating her reaction for publication in this blog. Andrew tells me she will come around but I am not so sure. He needed to use some very strong language in his discussion with her pointing out that we didnt require her approval and just wanted her to know and be happy for us. Her primary worry seems to be that a baby might impact negatively on her in someway.
We will see how she responds over the next few days before we fly out for Delhi. Anybody else had such negative reactions from family? My sisters were over the moon with our decision so I find his mother's reaction strange to say the least (I think she is racist)
Hmm yes not all people are open to new things or acceptance. I was asked whether I was concerned our baby would have HIV and that India was the worse place in the world(WTF and NO she has never been there!). I no longer speak with her now as I just can't bring myself to respect anything she says. Ignorance and racism is born by fear and misinformation. My father's reaction was priceless as he said to my Mum "Sue you better learn how to cook curry as this kid is going to like it". In his way that was sweet. He now says he couldn't live without her and that although India is not for him he is so glad we went. I hope your MIL sees some sense. Parenthood will bring out a side of you you didn't know you had - you will protect at all costs. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteWe too had family members who made some off the cuff remarks, which we chose to answer to only once. These same family members tend to be a pain in our a$$es still, so people never change. Sorry about your MIL, I know the feeling, its tough and she wont change.
ReplyDeleteI know what you are feeling, except it is my mother who makes the fabulous comments.
ReplyDeleteWe decided to share our plans with our family on our second attempt and everyone (including my mother) was extremely positive about the surrogacy and the idea of an egg donor this time. She recently asked about surnames and I mentioned that we hadn't decided who's last name we would use (we are an unmarried couple)- she sternly told me that "they aren't my children anyway they are my spouses so they should have his name"...........................yeah, what exactly do you do with that.
Family can be as equally beautiful as they can be beastly ! Best wishes.
I am so sorry for you! Just know that your fellow surrogate buddies are sending you the best wishes. It is unfortunate that his mother will miss out on such an amazing experience as being a grand mom. My husband and I have two older children and his mom has never been a "grandmother" to them. My son is 12 and she sees us twice a year and only lives an hour away. She chooses not to be a grandmother and it is her loss and something that I think she will regret as she gets older and older. I hope that your MIL makes a complete turn around for her sake.
ReplyDeleteOh hun, i'm sorry you have to deal with crap from family but when yo uhave your little one it all seems to disappear i hear :) We have VERY similar issues with our family, in our case it is my MIL and my sister. We choose only to tell very close people to us, but how do you hide it at work, where people tell the entire office WHICH I HATE!! but i just remember the light at the end of the tunnel...all the best hun and remember your surro family is always here for you :)
ReplyDeleteThank you guys for all of your lovely lovely comments and support. Tis much appreciated. It is not going to stop us from fulfilling our dream and as many of you say it will be her loss if she chooses not to be a grandmum to any bubs born.
ReplyDeletei dare NOT tell my MIL or heavens will fall!! so we wont. easy and simple as i can do without any stress at this point in time. Please be strong
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry to read your blog cant believe the comments..... lucky for us we have great family who were full of questions but nothing like you have had!!! shocked!!
ReplyDeleteChin up this is your dream hold on to it!
Best wishes
lisa x
I know it's his mother, but frankly, who needs a grandmother like that? Wow.
ReplyDeleteMy mother's reaction is tinged by her age and the fact that she lives with us. Her sister's reaction was something else. She called it "shocking." Not sure why... we're gay, we're older... God only knows.
Anyway, you're not alone. :)
This type of attitude is such a shame and very ignorant. Her loss you hang onto your dream and do not allow her to spoil it.
ReplyDeleteI hope she comes around, I have done the same thing as you, my mother does not want me to tell my father about this just yet until like week 15 or so. My dad just found out I am going to india and asked why would I go there, I simply stated I want to visit a differnt country, see a differnt part of the world and experince it, which I will do. My dad is not raceist, he just thinks I should wait until I have a partner for everything, Well I am not going to wait any longer, because if no one ever comes around for me I will always say like My aunt does " I wish I had Children" That will not be me. So you do what you and your husband do, I stand behind you and make you two happy thats all that matters is you and him, thats it. So smile your gonna be a mommy and daddy :)
ReplyDeleteMichael
So sorry to hear about your MIL. I can certainly relate to how you feel. My partner told his mother about our trip and even showed her a picture of the donor. She wanted to know why we had to pick a "brown" mother and not someone "whiter." Doesn't get much more racist than that. All I can say is she's lucky she didn't say that to my face! In the end, I could care less what anyone thinks about my family. We are happy and that's the most important thing. Looking forward to seeing you in Delhi!
ReplyDeleteYes Andrew and I are very happy with our decision and she can choose to be a grandmum or not.We cant wait to see you in Delhi too! So excited!
DeleteHi! Just now started at the beginning of your blog and am reading thru each entry. In this entry, I know just how you feel because I am certain that several members of our family would also have similar reactions. Our plan is to send out a carefully worded email once we come to the end of this and are en route for baby pick-up. That will give people about 3-4 weeks to wrap their heads around what's happening before we come home. So, I am heading back in June for a 2nd attempt. Fingers crossed that this is the one that will take hold! Best wishes!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you've had such a negative reaction from such an important person in your lives. I have been very worried about sharing our plans with my in-laws for that exact reason. We've decided to wait until we are pregnant and past the first trimester before telling them, but I am not looking forward to the conversation. I hope that none of us says anything we cannot forgive.
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